doesnt really go here

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doesnt really go here

PostPosted by shuu » Fri Jul 15, 2011 9:02 pm

but better then no where
all of these have intense sentimental value to me past words describable
this is mainly just me storing them somewhere else. simply glossing over them brings tears to my eyes.

Verbatim, as written the night before the speech was delivered with impromptu modifications.

I'm not going to cheat you. I have written what felt right at the moment I started writing, and every word is authentically me. Colin Mark. For the last time your emperor. I'm not going to lie to you. I do not see CTY as my home. I feel truly at home... but I know Carlisle is not my home. It is a place I love dearly, with every fiber of my being. But I do not count down the forty-nine weeks between sessions. When I saw excited two-mores posting in a CTY-ers Facebook group, I could not bring myself to sympathize with them. I go to a school in which most people have heard of CTY. On the last day of French class, as we went from person to person telling our summer plans, I braces myself for explaining "nerd camp" ... and then realized most of my classmates were going to take courses at more selective programs than CTY. So I jsut said I was taking a philosophy class at Dickinson and felt thoroughly outdone. I am not afraid to go home. But I know so many of you who are. Who can only find a safe haven here. So to each and every one of you: I love you. I CTY you. And I know that you love CTY and each other. For those of you who do not understand how CTY can be a very equivalent to love, listen to today's speeches. You will. I have completed five years of CTY, one of baby-CTY at Chestertown and four consecutive years of real CTY at Carlisle, and each year has given me something new to take away with me.

My first year, my one year of baby CTY. Until that summer, and through the next school year, I described the Colin Mark of my childhood as an "angry little nerd." I did not believe that other intelligent people could exist. And then... CTY came into my life. And for the first time I knew I was not alone. The eleven year old Colin Mark who first attended CTY was a bit of... a jerk. But CTY was his happiest moment. I spent the second half of that summer at a regular camp, and through a combination of obnoxious things I did, I became the brunt of three weeks of bullying that led me to feel that I was doomed to be hated as long as I was smart, and spent most of seventh grade fuming, hating the word until I emerged from my shell at approximately when I hit puberty. And then... Carlisle. My first year at Carlisle was a life changing experience. I consider it the beginning of my life as a socialized being. That session, I led a dual life that turned those three weeks into my crash course in understanding other people.

That was the year I made some of the best friends I have ... girls. As "punishment" for not signing up for activities one night, my RA signed me up for Eco-Friendly Hemp Lanyard making and Disney sing along, and I hung out with throngs of females for the first time. Meanwhile... I struggled with an emotionally unstable roommate, whom I will not name. he had a flashlight, and our RA never enforced lights out. So I was dealing with his whims and passions... and his eventual suicide attempt... all alone. The night he cracked, my RA was awake in the lounge with two nevermores, Phil Nunnenkamp and Will Pfeiffer. They intervened and stayed up late into the night with me, talking about life, and people who don't want it. They filled me with such awe and respect. I owe them more than they could know. The Post-CTY-Depression – PCTD – was bad that summer. That year, my last passionfruit speech was obnoxious and about camels.

Fast forward to the end of eighth grade. The year has been a social roller coaster, but I'm switching into private school for high school and can't wait to get out. My social life was full of bad influences whom I never want to be like. CTY, within days, felt like a warm spnge washing away the hate for Tenafly Middle School. That year, I experienced the CTY relationship. You can guess which girl if you look for the pretty one who is squirming. To all of you CTY couples: my advice. A CTY relationship is an amazing and special thing that is completely worth the experience.. once. That summer, despite being Swine '09, when the session ended early, I felt no PCTYD. I only missed my girlfriend. I skipped most of the impromptu dance under teh arch to hang out with her. And I did not have the CTY experience. Last year and this year, I've had a girlfirned at home, and it has forced me to focus on what matters. You. My last passionfruit speech at Swin '09? "To not being a jerk. Why, little piggies – why did you have to be a jerk? I love CTY, and I love the passionfruit."

At Carlisle 2010, I learned how much people love and need CTY Carlisle. And I experienced the truest and most unadulterated love I could have imagined. It came from the community. You all showed me so much unexplainable love that you brought me to tears not form sadness but strictly form joy. Last year's Jesus, Liam McNamara, said through tears at the last poetry night: "we aren't crying tears of sadness... we're crying tears of joy for all of the years of happiness." I was moved to my core, and his words have stuck with me. I showed CTY my reciprocated love, and the community gave me its reigns and named me emperor. One of my closest forevermore friends, Ranana Dine, hugged me tightly right before she left Carlisle for good last year, and through tears said to me the most significant thing anyone at CTY has ever said to me: "When I first met you, you pointed to the royalty and said 'That's oging to be us in a couple of years,' and none of us believed you. But this year I felt like royalty... and you, my little brother, are the emperor."

And finally, this year. This year, I learned why CTY is the way it is. I won't tell you. Wait until you're nevermores. But I will say this much. Last night, a one-more told me the words that I wanted to hear the most: "People like you make CTY great." I lived this year for every one of you. All I want is for you to love CTY.

First years: I hope you understand why I say I CTY every one of you. One-mores: you are our future. I know you love CTY. Only three of you will have official titles next year, but those titles are as much a curse as a blessing. Neither Empress Evan nor I could cry last night. By virtue of the fact that I am emperor, anyone here who is unhappy with our choices of successors will resent me. I bear that burden. But I CTY every one of you. And I know if you love this place the way I believe you do, then every CTY-er who is here now will show that love next year when I'm not here.

Finally, to the administration. In the middle of this school year, I had a nightmare that I came to CTY to find that the administration had appointed a puppet bureaucracy (that happened to be the cast of the Nickelodeon show "House of Anubis") to overthrow me and Evan. When I woke up, I persuaded myself that I was being irrational. I planned for months to say in this speech that the beauty that is CTY Carlisle exists not despite the strict rules but as a direct reaction to them. Then I actually came to my nevermore year. Look at me. Look at all of the nevermores who are next to me, crying or about to cry. Nobody loves CTY as much as we do. Nobody does more to make CTY special for the kids who need this community the most. But we get no thank you's. We get demonized. You treat me as a rule breaker and a bad influence. All I want is to make the experiences of the other kids here better, and I am treated like a bad guy. WHy? Are you afraid taht Poetry Night will mean more to people than Big Saturday? Last night, Bobby Zipp, our incumbent "non-denominational spiritual deity," delivered a heartfelt speech and then surrendered his title to his successor, and at least five tables full of people who love this place cheered and showed their love. And they were yelled at for disturbing the peace. Why is it a crime to love CTY? Now I understand the eternal nevermore frustration. All I want to do is love. All we want do is love. But i'm not going to get trhough to the administration – Maybe I can get through to all of you.

Last year, my last passionfruit speech was three sentences long. I am going to use them as the conclusion to this speech. To knowing what love is, because I heard it at Poetry Night, tasted it at the Last Supper, saw it during American Pie last night and feel it in myself and feel it form each and every one of you. I love each and every one of you. I love CTY, and I love the passionfruit.

Colin Mark
CTY Carlisle Session 1, 2011

i [badword] love all of you. Even if I have never talked to you, interacted with you, or ever will, I love you because you are here. Because you will share with me the greatest experience there is. CTY at carlisle is not simply a camp at a college for nerds, it is somethin ineffible that you can not define but only experience.

when I look around and see all of you, I cry. For many reasons. One part because I know I will never be here again. I may come back to carlisle, I may come back to dickinson, I may come back to CTY. But if I do, I will not be coming back to the same thing. I will be different. I will be a forevermore; permenantly changed for the better by this place. But this isn't a sad reason. It is also because I realize what has happened, the shy, awkward, socially inept guy I was before I came here became what I am now, whatever that is, I dont care to define it as anything other then a forevermore. I am glad that it is over. I am glad that it has happened. I am glad that it will happen for every single one of you, all of you. This is not the end for us all. All of you who can't come back and are standing here with me now, you understand what I mean. All of you who can come back and will next year, you don't understand me right now. I don't want you to, you will next year. Every single tear that I shed is for you. For your summers here. For our home away from home, the one place anyone will feel at home just because they are.

To those of you who are here, but are unsure of tradition: Thats too cool. To say that you arent a true cty-er or who arent accepting all that CTY has to offer is against the spirit of cty. All I can say however, is that these traditions are the lifeblood of this camp. Even if you think they are lame, if you think they blow, if they suck, it they're a waste of time and silly, they are what you leave behind. They are what you will be remembered by. Every poetry night. Every dance. Every passionfruit. Every weekend under the arch. These are what we leave behind to you, the best times of our lives. Add to them. Have the times of YOUR lives, and pass them on. It means to the world to so many of us, in ways you could only know once you are a forevermore looking back.

To Jordan, to Weston, to Jonny, to Grant, to Gus. The best friends I will ever have. I love you all.
To everyone else, I love you just as much. I would give anything for just 15 more minutes on the academic quad, chilling with the best people I have ever met.

To those who came before me, and will not come back. I love you just as much. Most of you I do not know, but what you have left behind for me is the greatest thing I will ever experience. I now know how you feel, we are all forevermores and that matters.

To the place where days go by so slow, but the weeks go by so fast.

I love you.
I cty you.
I love cty and I love the passsionfruit.

Most here would agree that it is impossible to define
But everyone knows exactly what it is without even having to try
So let me try to describe the indescribable and define the indefinable
Dating back to my first year all that time ago
I was still that shy little kid
Scared to death to give a little “hello”
I thought going to class was all we did
The next year I was in for a surprise
When I realized that my previous year was known as BabyCTY
Eyes now opened to the true experience CTY held inside
Frisbee, glowsticks, dances, the game, and this new community
The beginning of a new chapter of my life is what it really is
Even though at the time, I didn’t quite know the cause
Until that first dreaded day when my life came crashing down
Pick up day, it sends shudders down my spine
And my parents couldnt quite figure out why I had such a frown
They got tired of all the stories and the “theres this guy I know from CTY” that they began to whine
It was then that it occurred to me, an hour in to the drive back home
That I had just left my second home
I can’t deny that my when I think about my first two years at skidmore
I begin to cry just a little more
Not because I enjoy one site over another, but because CTY memories are sacred
No matter where they were formed
However, I found my true calling right here
In Carlisle, Pennsylvania aka middle of nowhere
We didn’t get off on the best foot Carlsie and I
You gave me swine flu, and that year all the pigs did in fact fly
But its okay, because your magical allure brought me back
After that year that we all remember with black
Genetics and I will forever retain unfinished business
I moved on to make philosophical decisions
Taking existentialism, what was I thinking?
I had only ever done science labs and mathematical calculating
To my bewilderment, it was the most amazing class to date
Even though I understood everything pretty late
Tiger Tim and Jaguar Jake
Memories like these one cannot simply fake
Running into a tree
And hearing the best imitations done by the talented Henry Hershey
To air conditioners falling out of windows, oh wait, this isn’t passion fruit
But this treasure trove of memories has some incredulous loot
A nevermore year that was filled with fun
Mostly thanks to an RA who cannot be outdone
Sharing the likeliness of an otter
Which just added to the joke fodder (thanks Sabrina)
It was a new feeling to be the oldest in my hall
But the same old of not being so tall
A better place I could not ask for
I can talk openly about things and not feel like a bore
A safe haven for anyone who has been called a nerd or dork or geek
You can make math reference without feeling like a freak
While we all complain about the HUB’s potato fetish
We enjoy every bite with relish
Because no matter if it tastes wonderful or horrible
You will never find something that tastes just like it, just like I’ll never find a place so memorable
And don’t get me started on all the amazing people
Because I might just start to weep…le
Like a loved, but late family member
You will forever mourn the loss as you daydream and simply remember
Remember them not for the fact that they are now gone, but reflect on the fun times dancing their way into the limelight
It is better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved at all, once said a wise playwright
I think this to be absolutely true about CTY
Where we all are good boys drinking whisky and rye
ouch lol
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