Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

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Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Wed Jul 11, 2012 6:14 pm

LIMITED OFFER:

Post a sample of writing and I will critique it. I will be brutally honest, so do not post here if you don't want that.

Will take the first 5. If they don't take too long, I'll do another 5.

Don't sign up, just post something here.

Go!
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by raiza » Wed Jul 11, 2012 6:29 pm

[badword] it. I have nothing to lose.

Having the objective opinion of an author can never go wrong.

raiza wrote:"'nuf wit da questions lady. Ya gittin' on ma nerves."

She felt the rope tighten around her waist and at once, she was thrust forward rather painfully.

"...I apologize if my queries are, for the lack of a better word, idiotic. I merely interested in the lore of these dragons you speak of. They appear to be fascinating creatures and-"

Another tug took her breath away.

"Seriously, snow in ya ears? I answered everthin' ya asked, but ya keep askin'. It's tirin'. Keepa up and I'll take ya back to da outpost. Ya hear?"

Yui glared at her guide, a man trice her age, with venomous eyes. Surely he jested about ceasing the operation, but the possibility remained that he would keep true to his word. A hefty sum had already been paid for his services. In the end, she swallowed her pride and held her tongue.

She, instead, focusing her attention to navigating through the snowdrifts that dotted the trail. While the girl admired the beauty of Yuki, she had firsthand experienced how brutal it could be. A day had been wasted simply waiting for the weather to lighten up.

Their silence was short-lived. The rope had reached its end and the guide gave a heavy sigh. He came to an abrupt stop and faced the young woman - a frown forming across his scarred face.

It was a bloody 50' rope.

"Dammit. Aight, I'll tell ya mo' if ya pick up the pace and don't make me do all da work. Don't wanna git stuck again."

Invigorated by his words, the distance between them shortened considerably and Yui managed to keep it that way. Her eyes glimmered with hope and curiosity; a far cry from what she was moments before.

"My dearest thanks, Ryouji-san. If you could begin with how these creatures came to be, that would be lovely."

"It's been a few years since I first saw dem. Those Yuki ninja-people will tell ya that they came from the ground just like that."

Ryouji snapped his fingers for emphasis.

"But as if. Like somethin' like dat can happen. They came 'cause of dat devil-worshiping, voodoo crap...chookra? Dem dragons don't like stuff like that. So they came back to life to stop dem. Telling ya, those ninja are bad news, making us innocent folk in danger..."

Yui listened halfheartedly. One eye remained on Ryouji and another was trained on the skies above.
DEATH PA-N-DA
GO TO HELL!!
(DIVINE PUNISHMENT)
THE DEATH PANDA HELL
IS THIS AN ILLUSION?
(MAYBE NOT)
QUENCH MY THIRST WITH BLOOD
(CATCH ME)
*SQUEEZE SQUEEZE SQUEEZE*
C-COULD THIS BE MY....!!
BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!
LA-LA-LA-LA
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by carcinoGeneticist » Wed Jul 11, 2012 7:32 pm

I know I've gotten worse, so might as well go with my most recent post. Anything color coded that isn't dark red or seagreen is a quote from someone else.
carcinoGeneticist wrote:"To explain, Atric is adopted. However, He is my own son regardless of genetics."

Koji glanced from his brother to Seijitsu, a calm and impassive look upon his face. The momentary twinge of hurt he felt, visible only through a slight tension in his fist, faded almost as quickly as it had come, his logical mind overriding his emotions for once: for whatever reason she had seen fit to adopt so soon after the death of her daughter, without filling in her son, it was her business. Making a scene would solve nothing, and it certainly wouldn't bring Aika back to life.

"And returning to your request... I really can't see why not... Of course, I would like you to keep contact with Raika and by visiting Kumo... if that is alright with you."

He nodded his apparent consent, preferring silence over argument. Keeping contact with Raika was something he had no problems with, but he wouldn't go back to Kumogakure unless he had to, permission or not.

"As with all important decisions in Yuki, I ask for a vote, of all three of you in this room. If you wish for Koji to return to Yuki, please kneel. If not, please continue to stand."

"I hardly see the need for a vote, mother. Regardless, I say he can stay. We, Yukigakure, could offer ample protection to him."

Was that what they thought it was about, protection? He stiffened, as if to interrupt, before Atric continued, actually taking a knee.

"Being of the Kodani family in the land of Snow is not a laughing matter, we are of a family that has been entrusted with the care of the people of this land. That is the price of staying here, brother. "

"I know what it means to be royalty and to be a shinobi," Koji replied, the slight afterthought of a smile taking some of the edge from his bitter words. He hadn't come home to be told his duties, not by some former pauper.

After Raika gave her consent as well, the young prince relaxed, jumping with a start as another figure abruptly burst into the room, throwing in his own two cents.

The hell is this guy?

"Forgive my intrusion, your Highness, but I would like to cast my vote in this matter [...] Great perils surround these lands as well as the Kumo empire. It is all quite recently we've seen our brethren villages drop severely in security and influence; Iwagakure, Kasaikague, Otogakure, and even Konohagakure are only a fraction of what they used to be, overwhelmed by outside aggression and inside corruption."

That was true enough, he supposed. Iwagakure had more or less collapsed after news had arrived along Shinkirou's information network that Koji's father had abandoned the village, having little use for it anymore. Something about diamonds, if he remembered correctly... his guardian had been rather amused by the entire event, but refused to elaborate.

"Master Koji's presence in Kumo could be the cement and steel for that bridge. There would be no need to even keep him in hiding; the boy and your royal lineage would be safe in Kumo from the enemies of Yuki, and Kumo would have the security of Yuki's investment to back them up from outside threat. The real foundation of this bridge will be the kinship generated within the public by this arrangement. You can teach the people that Yuki and Kumo are not just allies, but sibling sovereignties. That would strengthen both nations, in my observation, and I can vouch for Raika-sama that the young Koji would benefit immensely from her guidance."

"It's a waste of time, Koji stated softly, the back of his right hand rubbing against his right eye through the patch, as if it were acting up again. His exposed left eye pulsed softly for a moment, an off purple glow emanating from within. "Kumogakure is going to burn," he continued, his calm, almost blank tone of voice pairing oddly with his chosen phrasing. He didn't speak as if he were making a threat, or trying to intimidate; rather, he simply stated it as if it were an absolute fact, something beyond control. "Yukigakure needs me more."


Otoha found Omoi across the room, still standing with Ian. His eyes met hers for a moment, and it seemed as if something was amiss. Before he could approach, however, a woman approached, introducing herself.

"Hi, my name is Hitomi..."

With a shrug in Omoi's direction, he turned towards the female, eyes scanning the length of her body; not a lecherous gaze so much as inquisitive, almost cold. Thin, yet in shape, more likely a shinobi than a member of the aristocracy. Somewhere around his own age, if not younger. Blue hair, which was fairly uncommon.. likely foreign. Smiling lightly, he extended his hand.

"Otoha Nue, BOLT Commander of Kumogakure. A pleasure to meet you."
Push your care, push your burdens aside, erase everything inside and leave just one thing on your mind.
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You only live once, so just go f.ucking nuts.
RIP Okinami - RIP Shadow
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Ero-Kami » Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:35 pm

I just finished this one for my solo RP, so why not see how bad it really is.

Two people slowly climbed up the stairs of an old apartment building, each step adding pressure to a different step and forcing the wood to creak. The one in front was a middle aged man with thin features and long black hair covering most of his face, his body was covered almost entirely in a black coat filled with multiple large pockets and only the dark and silver boots could be seen with each step. His sharp blue eyes were more than focus and ready for anything that could leap out from around the corner, his aura was like that of a loaded gun with a hair-trigger. The other following closely behind was a young woman in her late teens. She had a long ponytail that nearly reached her waist, a white vest, with two front pockets where she kept her hands, covered her torso along with a skin tight black top underneath. Her legs were covered by light blue denim shorts, held up by a black and silver leather belt which also held a pouch on the back of her waist. Each time she stepped with her left leg, one could barely see that part of it was covered in white bandages, though the shorts did a great job of hiding them. Unlike the first she had no threatening aura surrounding her, serious and calm brown eyes studied her surroundings as both pass through each floor of the building.

"Master, what is he like?" the female asked the male as they both reached the third floor, two floors bellow their destination. The man with her quickly slowed his pace before coming to a full stop "He is--" he paused, thinking about the appropriate word and turned his head to the side so she could see his left eye "--different." he finally told her, immediately climbing up the next flight of stairs, no other words leaving his lips. She was clearly not pleased with the answer but held her tongue out of respect for her teacher.
She wasn't told much, after finishing her training under the master she knew since a very young age, she easily completed the same test everyone in the organization had to go through before being accepted within their ranks. But right after being given the codename "Shiori" and a rank, all the master said to her was that he was going to take her to his former student. Shiori had heard little about her senior, only that he was a Rank 3 Assassin, not far from the Rank 2 she was instantly given upon entry due to her skills, and that he had been in the organization for years.

Before she knew it, her master stopped in front of a wooden door with a large cooper "A" at eye level. The man looked back at her for a few moments, his usual glare making her feel slightly awkward, but before long he started to gently knock on the wooden surface. There was no answer or even any sign of anyone being inside the apartment. After waiting for nearly a minute, the man knocked again and unlike before they both started to hear some movement coming from inside. The sound of the look being undone made Shiroi straighten her back, she knew that she was about to meet a man trained by the same master as her, a senior within the organization and a man that probably killed more people than she could count.
But the image she saw next completely destroyed the one she had imagined. The one that opened the door was a tall man in his early twenties, his eyes were quite narrowed and his short green hair was a mess but most importantly he was wearing nothing but a pair of pink boxers with a red heart over the right thigh. Her senior took a few moments after opening the door to register who stood before him. A large yawn left his lungs and he started speaking while rubbing his left eye with the palm of his hand "Ayaya, what a pleasant surprise, old man. But why so early?" he said forcing a smile despite another yawn breaking it completely.
Unlike Shiori who took a step back when she saw the half naked man, her master just glared at him and spoke "It's almost one in the afternoon and you're not wearing pants, Gyoshi." he said. But it was then that Shiori noticed something she never had before, her master wasn't speaking in the usual cold and emotionless voice, but instead he sounded almost like a stern father speaking to his rebellious son. This amazed her, mostly because in all the years that she knew him, the man had never shown any sign of even having emotions.

Her her amazement wasn't done. Gyoshi slowly looked down at his own boxers and then back at his teacher "You're right. Ayaya, just a second." he said and turned back inside. It was then that Shiori finally took notice of the inside of the apartment, it was a complete mess. It was almost like a hurricane passed through the place, clothes, books, boxes, more books and other household items covered the floor and nearly every piece of furniture. A few steps ahead she noticed what would most likely be his bedroom as the bed was clearly visible and on it was another person, a beautiful woman who appeared to be completely naked, covering herself with the white blankets and glaring at Gyoshi who met her gaze "Hey, ahhh--" he said, slowly turning back to the master, yawning once again and asking "What's her name again?" he asked him so naturally that for a moment Shiori actually wondered if her master knew the woman's name, but instead the man calmly answered with "I wouldn't know." hearing that Gyoshi let out a chuckle "Aaah yes." and then turned back to the woman "I never got your name. But can you throw me my pants?" he said giving her a sly grin. There was a pause and then a pair of black pants hit his face along with the bedroom door slamming shut.

"So old man, what can I do you for?" Gyoshi asked as he put his pants on. Their master spared no time and, like usual, went straight to the point "This girl will be under your care for a while. Teach her." and after he said those words, all three went silent for a few moments. Finally Shiroi seemed to wake up from the small shock she received and disregarding any form of polite speech she shouted at her master "What do you mean I'll be under his care, Master?" her master didn't even seem to react to her shout but she finally caught Gyoshi's attention, who stared at her from then on. Shiori noticed his gaze but continued "And what's this about teaching me? You are my teacher! What can I learn from a dimwitted slob like him?" but before she knew it, her masters palm made contact with her face, making her head snap to the side and her body stumble into Gyoshi's, who immediately caught her "You will follow my orders. From now on you will follow orders, your own opinion does not matter to us. If you refuse, I will personally kill you." his words were as cold as she had ever heard him speak, they literally sent shivers down her spine. Surprisingly the one to speak next was the man who held Shiori in his hands "Ayaya, you wouldn't kill such a cute girl right under my nose, would you old man?" his narrowed eyes and sly grin opposing the master's cold and emotionless expression. However she then saw something even more surprising and shocking than the slap that she still felt on her face, the master smiled and released a chuckle "Different." the man said and turned around toward the stairs "Warn me if she gets killed." he finally said and slowly began descending down the stairs.
Gyoshi watched as his former teacher walked away and then looked down at the girl he was still holding "Alright then, your first mission is to find out what that woman's name is and getting her out of my place. Good luck." he gave her a soft push toward his bedroom door and grinned, Shiori looked at him with wide eyes as he calmly closed the door and walked into the kitchen. The girl had no idea what her master had gotten herself into to, she had no idea just how right her master was when he called Gyoshi, different.
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Shadow » Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:23 am

I like pie.
"The flow of time is always cruel... its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it... A thing that does not change with time is a memory of younger days..." ~ Sheik
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"It is something that grows over time... a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger over time. The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you will know which way to go... This song is dedicated to the power of the heart." ~ Sheik
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Spike » Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:39 am

His form had spun as Trillium's vice like grip had grabbed his offending hand by the wrist, yanking him back before holding the inked limb before her gaze, looking at it like it was some piece of discarded trash. Obviously, Spike had hit the wrong buttons, not that he ever really hit the right buttons anyway. Either way he had managed to severely piss the demoness off yet he was alive. For now. Something few could claim after getting her in such a mood so quickly.

[badword], did he break some sort of record?

His eyes locked with hers. The cold stare of a predator ready to kill it’s prey were chiselled into her red orbs and for a moment Spike wondered why he didn’t feel an eerie chill snake down his spine which would serve to remind him, for all his bravado, who was top of the food chain. When her lips began to move, tone leaking with a demonic lingering as if multiple voices belonged to the same woman he didn’t move. Her words were spoken as a creature of superior race and power, chosen specifically to render him a shell of his usual cocky self, remind him that she could snap his neck like a length of straw.

Why didn’t he feel anything when faced with such threats?

For a moment his left eye took in those row of sharp teeth, defined by a woman ready to transform and tear him to pieces. Each deadly dental dagger reflected off his green iris before it joined it’s blue coloured brother as both his eyes locked with Trilliums. Not in a challenging manner, but as if he was searching for an answer within her crimson gaze.

She just had to bring up his previous thoughts of humanity. Just when he was intoxicated enough to forget the morbid train of thought.

Logic dictate he apologize, try to blame some of his behaviour on alcohol before returning home to sleep off the aforementioned alcohol. He’d fix Lilith up her and then return it spic and span along with some sort of offering of peace to make up for his transgressions.

Yet, logic didn’t seem to control his thoughts right now.

Really, that was pointless. In his mind at least. The whole reason he hunted demons and any creature that was a threat to humanity was because they all shared one aspect in common, they wanted humans to bow their heads and accept their rules, the new food chain that had the previously mythical creatures as the Earth’s new masters. Spike killed demons, angels and what ever the [badword] else fitted the bill because he refused to bow his head to anyone, to accept anyone’s rules but his own. Take their thoughts of weak humans and shove it so far up their asses anytime they thought of trying to hurt his kind again the butt hurt warned them not to.

Or maybe he hunted because he knew in the end, for any human that took up the job it eventually led to their death. Maybe that’s really all he wanted and maybe Trillium’s threat was actually a blessing in disguise. Maybe he should just spit in her face and tell her that he hoped she’d get the shits from his tattooed flesh.

He wasn’t really sure. He seemed to be on a fence with what he should do. He had never really thought of Trillium as a demon, even after they first met. She had been a drinking companion a friend and so much more. Staring into her now surfaced demonic features right now was the first reminder that she was born from the same pitt that he focused all his hatred on. Because it was the only thing that really kept him going. He hated demons because of their objectives but most of all he hated demons because not one had been able to kill him yet and if they were vanquished before he got his wish then he’d be at a lost for what to do without his death-wish job.

Alcohol or not, his thoughts were morbid and enough to sober him up rather quickly. He wasn’t quite sure if he was friends with Trillium because he had wanted something like this to happen or simply because she was good company. It depending on what he wanted in life. Some sort of fulfilment or death.

He didn’t know quite which, even with all the time Trillium had thus far given him to think in silence without ripping his head clean off his shoulders. No matter what anyone said he knew better than anyone, now of all times, that she was actually rather patient, despite what she would want you to believe. He didn’t want to test it anymore though and while he hadn’t came to a decision whether to say sorry or just let her kill him he had decided on a third option.

Typical Spike. In an option of A or B he’d always, always go for [badword]’ C.

Let go. His tone was empty, unchallenging. As if he’d simply given up. What ever it was a few moments later he was allowed to use his hand while it was still attached for now. He ignored the throbbing pain around his red raw wrist, almost welcoming it in fact. Pain was all he was sure he was feeling right now with his emotional confusion. Maybe he felt too much or simply didn’t feel at all and that was why he was confused. With some luck that’d all end though.

Slowly, he drew one of his modified revolvers from the holster on the back of his hip, keeping it aimed at the ground and moving it slowly as he did so as not to make Trillium think he was going to pull some sort of fast one on her. After what felt like eternity his eyes broke from hers to glance at the gun as he flicked the ammo cylinder out, sticking his thumb over two rounds before shaking the weapon, causing the other cases to clamber onto the ground with a rattle. Calmly he looked back up to Trillium once more, eyes locking with hers one last time as he spun the cylinder before popping it back a few seconds after.

Russian Roulette was always a fun game. Usually it’s a one in six chance you’ll be eatin’ led. But since mine has eight shots I thought I’d make it fair and keep two. He explained calmly, glancing down at his palm as he held the gun in his grasp. Pretty good odds by any measure. Was added a moment later with a slight chuckle, like it was a punch line to some sick joke.

Yeah, the joke of his [badword]’ life.

His arm raised up, pointing Brotherguard in an angled fashion to the side of his temple, the sharp blade attached to the bottom of it teased his eyebrow as he did so. His arm didn’t shake even as his finger teased the trigger, rubbing it gently as it slithered slightly in the familiar position.

Think I’ll get to six? He questioned, his tone full of intrigue as if the answer to life was contained in the revolvers chamber and if he made it to the magical number then he’d receive what he was looking. Perhaps it was the knowledge that he might get what he was looking before six.

His eyes looked at Trillium with no spite against what she was.

click...

Not an apology for his actions.

click...

Nor wanting for something else.

click...

Not even confused for a better answer.

click...

Nothing was contained behind those hazy hues of green and blue that resided in his eyes.

click...

He simply smiled, because for some [badword] up reason he felt more free in this moment than he ever had in his whole [badword] messed up life.

click...

His finger twitched slightly, about to move once more.

And then...

If you fall down seven times, stand up eight.
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It isn't a matter of life or death, it's about what breaks first; your will or the barriers in your way.

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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Thu Jul 12, 2012 8:14 pm

raiza: What media have you been consuming? Anything British, by chance?

Arzur: Hm, you're actually in pretty good shape I think, but it's hard to tell with so little of /your/ content in it. Got a longer one that has more of you?

Ero: Hm, I really like the concepts in play here. Funny, yet not over-the-top. Hard to pull off.

You're a bit wordy. Try to slice out some adverbs and rephrase sentences more succinctly. We grow up learning in school that the wordier you are, the better writer you are, but the most masterful writers can convey a lot with a very little. It /can/ be a stylistic choice to be very wordy: in fact, I felt like the first section worked perfectly. But, I'm not entirely convinced you could do otherwise. So, try slicing out adverbs, cutting out extra background information, finding descriptive ways to describe something that aren't so literal.

The dialogue is good but there's way too much going on in between each piece, for my liking. Unless there's a big motion you need to do (like looking at the bedroom or whacking Shiori in the head), it should really be just the dialogue. The mark of good dialogue is that you can identify who is speaking just by the content, no dialogue tags (or colors).

If you want to add something after a piece of dialogue, either do an action OR “said.”

“You're kind of a jerk.” Kyuuen spun around on her heel and headed for the bathroom.

OR

“You're kind of a jerk,” Kyuuen said.

Modified “saids” like “replied” “answered” “squealed” etc. can be good if used SPARINGLY. This seems counterintuitive, but the fact is using those modified “saids” can actualy make your dialogue weaker.

Kyuuen said angrily, “I think I've heard enough from you.”

VS

“If you don't shut your mouth right now, I'll break your teeth.”

Why is the first one weaker? Because “Ithink I've heard enough from you” can be irritated, angry, sad, or even just matter-of-fact. It RELIES on the modifier “angrily.” The second one though, there's not much room for mis-interpretation.

So yeah, trim the fat. Otherwise you're doing well.


Shadow: OMG how beautiful and succinct, I can't believe how much emotion and information you crammed into just three words. ;___;
10/10 would read again.



Do Spike's later, it's dinner time.
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by carcinoGeneticist » Thu Jul 12, 2012 8:42 pm

This instead, then. Only dialogue is mine.
carcinoGeneticist wrote:"Did I ever tell you about my father, Akai?"

The wind pushing its way across the barren landscape between the beachhead and their destination carried the scent of flames; already the fires were spreading through the village unfortunate enough to have been chosen as the foundation for their frontal base. The breeze whipped Ryuhou's snow white cloak back, pushing the hood away; for the few seconds that it hung in the air, his clothing beneath was revealed, all fairly usual. A pair of tight black jeans, tucked into a pair of boots. A vaguely floral kimono, transitioning from white to deep blue with a few spots of crimson, worn loose and held in place with a deep purple sash. At his side hung a number of blades, one average looking blade in a crimson sheathe, practically radiating power, in addition to two long daggers upon each hip. Slung across each shoulder was a long katana, clinking faintly against each other as he adjusted his position.

"Onigami Masaru, Captain of the prestigious and honorable Sixth Division of the Shinsengumi. I used to dream of one day becoming a captain myself, of taking the both his mantle and his blade, when the time finally came."

One hand, lightly armored beneath a bracer, extended towards the sky above. To his side and slightly behind stood his faithful apprentice, and a few feet behind her, the massed ranks of the Third Company of Icarus. He had granted her the rank of lieutenant, more out of familiarity than anything; he was used to fighting with her at his side, and she understood his commands and signals better than any of the gathered forces. It was only natural. At his signal, they all quieted, preparing for combat.

"I dreamed of one day becoming a Captain myself, but not like this... the ranks are different, and the honor... the honor simply isn't the same. But, if this is the hand that life has dealt me, than so be it. Third Company! Prepare for battle!"

A cheer rang out through his forces, as each man reached for his weapon of choice.

"Possibly General... perhaps Colonel... maybe even Field Marshal. If I can't hold the rank that I was meant to one day hold, then I'll just have to find whatever equivalent Icarus has to offer... and make it my own, when the time comes."

His hand fell, decisively cutting through the air in an impossible to miss signal. The shinobi of the third company surged forward as one mass, bursting past their Captain, and his Leiutenant, and heading forward, joining the battle. After watching for a moment, Ryuhou drew two long daggers from his sides, charging in after them. As the wind whipped his white hair out of his eyes, he smiled, ever so slightly, at the thought of joining a real battle once more. A slight flick of his wrists sent two shinobi who had been hiding off to the side in order to flank his men swiftly into oblivion; while the sound of metal upon metal rang through the air, he closed his eyes for a moment, tapping into his clan's Shuryou technique. For a moment, the area became lit up through his closed eyes, the distinct energy signatures of the nearby forces each shining as a point of light. Some burned brighter than others; the unexpected radiance slumbering within Akai's body confused the man for a moment, but he allowed it to pass, when it was quickly dwarfed by another nearby power.

Releasing the technique, he whistled once, sharply; his men cleared the immediate area, before returning to his side.

"We've got a live one. Three o'clock, one hundred meters. I felt one of our own vanish as soon as he approached... so consider this one hostile. Move out."

Banding together into rank and file, the men advanced as one towards their target, the woman who had just killed one of their own. After a moment of walking, they all burst apart as one, breaking rank to surge forward in one practiced and coordinated motion, scattering to better cover area, and reduce their chances of being targeted all at once.
Push your care, push your burdens aside, erase everything inside and leave just one thing on your mind.
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RIP Okinami - RIP Shadow
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by raiza » Thu Jul 12, 2012 9:13 pm

That bad, huh?

I wanting more of a Appalachian/West Virginian thing, but as usual, it didn't come out as intended. Now that you mentioned it, it does have a brit feel to it which isn't a bad thing.

-needs to develop more variety in my accents and stuff-
DEATH PA-N-DA
GO TO HELL!!
(DIVINE PUNISHMENT)
THE DEATH PANDA HELL
IS THIS AN ILLUSION?
(MAYBE NOT)
QUENCH MY THIRST WITH BLOOD
(CATCH ME)
*SQUEEZE SQUEEZE SQUEEZE*
C-COULD THIS BE MY....!!
BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!
LA-LA-LA-LA
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Thu Jul 12, 2012 9:28 pm

raiza wrote:That bad, huh?

I wanting more of a Appalachian/West Virginian thing, but as usual, it didn't come out as intended. Now that you mentioned it, it does have a brit feel to it which isn't a bad thing.

-needs to develop more variety in my accents and stuff-



Er, it's not so much the speaking, but actually the base prose. It's kinda Britsy, in the way you convey the information. Nothing wrong with it, but I was just curious.

What were you going for, then? What social strata?
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Tsuuki » Thu Jul 12, 2012 10:19 pm

If you're wondering where that "brit feel" came from:


"at once, she thrust forward rather painfully."

"a man trice her age"

"Surely he jested"

"A hefty sum had already been paid for his services."

"If you could begin with how these creatures came to be, that would be lovely."

And of course:

"It was a bloody 50' rope."

"What's the point in joining if...


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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Ero-Kami » Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:43 pm

Tsuneo wrote:
Ero: Hm, I really like the concepts in play here. Funny, yet not over-the-top. Hard to pull off.

You're a bit wordy. Try to slice out some adverbs and rephrase sentences more succinctly. We grow up learning in school that the wordier you are, the better writer you are, but the most masterful writers can convey a lot with a very little. It /can/ be a stylistic choice to be very wordy: in fact, I felt like the first section worked perfectly. But, I'm not entirely convinced you could do otherwise. So, try slicing out adverbs, cutting out extra background information, finding descriptive ways to describe something that aren't so literal.

The dialogue is good but there's way too much going on in between each piece, for my liking. Unless there's a big motion you need to do (like looking at the bedroom or whacking Shiori in the head), it should really be just the dialogue. The mark of good dialogue is that you can identify who is speaking just by the content, no dialogue tags (or colors).

If you want to add something after a piece of dialogue, either do an action OR “said.”

“You're kind of a jerk.” Kyuuen spun around on her heel and headed for the bathroom.

OR

“You're kind of a jerk,” Kyuuen said.

Modified “saids” like “replied” “answered” “squealed” etc. can be good if used SPARINGLY. This seems counterintuitive, but the fact is using those modified “saids” can actualy make your dialogue weaker.

Kyuuen said angrily, “I think I've heard enough from you.”

VS

“If you don't shut your mouth right now, I'll break your teeth.”

Why is the first one weaker? Because “Ithink I've heard enough from you” can be irritated, angry, sad, or even just matter-of-fact. It RELIES on the modifier “angrily.” The second one though, there's not much room for mis-interpretation.

So yeah, trim the fat. Otherwise you're doing well.


Thank you
I will keep all of this in mind.
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:47 pm

Tsuuki wrote:If you're wondering where that "brit feel" came from:


"at once, she thrust forward rather painfully."

"a man trice her age"

"Surely he jested"

"A hefty sum had already been paid for his services."

"If you could begin with how these creatures came to be, that would be lovely."

And of course:

"It was a bloody 50' rope."


Exaaaaactly.
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by raiza » Fri Jul 13, 2012 1:09 am

I was going to say I have no idea what you are talking about since I'm an engineer and my writing is bad, but that makes sense!

Edit: It's a character thing. Yui is supposed to be a sophisticated aristocrat-esque person. Whether or not that is achieved is unknown, but I certainly think so. Perhaps later I'll post another one for advice after others get their turn.
DEATH PA-N-DA
GO TO HELL!!
(DIVINE PUNISHMENT)
THE DEATH PANDA HELL
IS THIS AN ILLUSION?
(MAYBE NOT)
QUENCH MY THIRST WITH BLOOD
(CATCH ME)
*SQUEEZE SQUEEZE SQUEEZE*
C-COULD THIS BE MY....!!
BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!
LA-LA-LA-LA
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Re: Tsuneh Tells You Why You're Good or Bad

PostPosted by Shadow » Fri Jul 13, 2012 2:27 am

Tsuneo wrote:Shadow: OMG how beautiful and succinct, I can't believe how much emotion and information you crammed into just three words. ;___;
10/10 would read again.


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