52 Week Project Discussion Thread

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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Sun Mar 06, 2011 7:46 pm

Dang, sorry guys, haven't read Knyves' or Clovey's yet. I'll get to it sometime this week and backfill some critique. Gaaaah.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Clover » Tue Mar 15, 2011 8:50 pm

I will not allow this project to die!
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Kobayashi_Akane » Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:35 pm

Clover, you changed from Noah to Noel halfway through~

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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Clover » Wed Mar 16, 2011 9:54 am

Kobayashi_Akane wrote:Clover, you changed from Noah to Noel halfway through~

I suspected that, but I thought I was just being self-conscious~
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Knyves » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:50 am

I liked it Clove, the way it was written was fantastic I think!

Also, late Knyves is late again. Just got week 10's up now. Week 11 should be up today as well, if I can get around to it.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Knyves » Wed Mar 16, 2011 12:22 pm

Double Post: Week 11 is finished as well. I'm not sure I like the last paragraph or two though... Any incite, critique, or criticism for meh?
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Wed Mar 16, 2011 1:58 pm

Dang, I got far behind on critiques.

--
Week 9

Knyves - Nicely done. I liked all the descriptions of battle, good descriptions. Nothing really to criticize on this one.

Clovey: Chuuu~~~~<3

"Adding up to one big thing" is a brilliant sentence.

Oh God that was amazing. ;_______;

I love it love it love it. Great characterization, cute contained scene. Clovey, you magnificent bastard, why didn't you tell me you could write this well. <3

--

Week 10

Knyves - A tad over-written. " I bumped and shuffled until I knew my hands were over my chest, and I gently began prying the tools out of my flesh, with a grimace and a grunt as the fresh droplets of warm crimson formed, only to disappear a moment later." There's just too much imagery in here to be effective. Cut a few pieces out and it'd read better: just replacing "fresh droplets of warm crimson" with "blood" would make that sentence flow along.

Remember, the goal is to not draw attention to the actual writing. You want the readers to be lost in the story.

Nice ending though. The bit about the tupperware was especially good.

Week 11

Clovey - Dannnng son. Nice. Feels like it came out of the X-Files. I'm seriously upset I didn't know that you were this good a writer. You have a natural way of drawing me into what you're writing. You have a solid voice, you know what you're good at and you're sticking to it and using it as affectively as possible. Seriously impressed. You also qualify for severe-Tsu-critiquing, should you want it. Not that I found that much wong with these, but Knyves and Seb get it so I figure if you want my harshest opinions, you can have them.

Knyves - The number detail is slick. I like that.

Great execution of giving us his past without telling it to us. I like how we relived in his first kill and how that fit into the narrative of his whole life. In this chunk of text you've managed to compile an entire character and make me care about him. I quite honestly want to know what happens next, which is a sign that youv'e built the thing well. Very nicely done.

You probably don't like the last paragraphs becasue they were just summations. If you were writing this in novel format, I'm sure you would've picked a different ending to that scene. I would chalk it up to the limitations of the exercise and not worry about it.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Knyves » Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:17 pm

Awesome! Glad you approve for the most part!
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Clover » Wed Mar 16, 2011 3:38 pm

:'D

Yeah, I'm cool for srs critique.

PRND3L wrote:Image
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Sawtooth » Mon Mar 21, 2011 8:28 am

Clover: All I feel needs to be said by me is that you have your niche and use it well. I was genuinely concerned with the conflict and even a little disturbed (especially at the end, of course), which means that your mission was accomplished. I agree wholeheartedly with Tsuneo, there is a definite X-Files vibe going on in there, and I'm liking it.

Tsu: Instead of just praising you, I decided to be brave and look at what you did right that I should think about when I'm writing. The big factor in yours was the setting, for me. I was drawn into the universe immediately and stayed there until you finished. In words, I'd say that the final submitted draft has a successful balance solely comprised of good habits and good writing techniques. I could make my own conclusions about the characters from their dialogue, which is always a good sign. Albeit not the only way to convey the sense of character to readers, that's a good one which I sometimes neglect in my writing (going back to what I should consider). A little more versatility there would be helpful for me to establish an optimal balance. It's very clear that you had the flow and way it reads in mind, consciously or not, and that's something that I strongly feel is what centrally binds everything together, "sealing the deal". That's a vital key I myself want to incorporate into writing, so I'm glad I got some good things out of taking the time to read it line for line.

Knyves: As Tsuneo already said, I also got the sense of caring about the main character that had me wondering. He was as low as he could go, but to what degree would he go up? At what angle? Would he even go up, or was this just the beginning of an even deeper rock bottom we had yet to see? Excellent diction in there. I like that I could almost feel the steadiness and direction in the tone.

Something I'd want you to be conscious of is that I saw what I think to be at least one example of something minor that I myself am guilty of doing, which is overdoing the density of some sentences and paragraphs. When I review what I write, I often notice that taking out something as simple as one word would make all the difference in the fluidity of writing. Like, I'd say it achieves a "good kind of simple". It varies from sentence to sentence and person to person, but it's something to consider. In your case, I thought the sentence was unnecessary and broke the immersion (plus it TOLD what your character was going to do although there was plenty of evidence throughout the whole thing for what might come next). I think if you had left it up to the reader to draw his own conclusions, you would have achieved just that little bit more success. If you want a specific line, I'll give it to you but right now my neck is killing me so I'm going to take a break.

EDIT: Ah, okay. No biggie, again, I did the exact same thing although I tried not to fall into it for week 11. Here's the place that stood out:

Story wrote:Reaching his car, the Marshall opened the door and drove, finding himself at a lake. So this is what it was coming to? He was going to drive into the lake. Deciding it would be nice to die to some music, Marshall leaned over and turned up his previously silenced radio. Nudging the car into drive, he felt the incline begin to take over and leaned back, letting gravity suck him to his death.


Versus

Amended wrote:Reaching his car, the Marshall opened the door and drove, finding himself at a lake. So this is what it was coming to? Deciding it would be nice to die to some music, Marshall leaned over and turned up his previously silenced radio. Nudging the car into drive, he felt the incline begin to take over and leaned back, letting gravity suck him to his death.


See what I'm saying? It's nothing awful, but it broke my immersion all the same because it's like you were telling me what to conclude rather than letting me see what happens and end up with the right conclusion anyway. I just thought you might want to have that in mind.

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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Knyves » Mon Mar 21, 2011 10:56 am

Ooh, yeah, I see what you're saying there. I'm going to really knuckle down on the writing style, getting rid of those excess sentences and such, and trimming back a bit when the tendency to over-write hits me. Assuming I find time anymore. Stupid life getting in the way of my pastimes.

Anywho! Tsu, the idea was a good one, but i'm no good with this whole critiquing (sp?) thing, so I'll leave it at that.

Xatu, that was a fantastic read. I enjoyed the wording of it all. You've got a good way of painting a picture with your words. Me like.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Knyves » Mon Mar 21, 2011 8:13 pm

Just put week 12 up. I really don't like the first half of it. Felt like I hit a good pace and style about halfway through. Not to mention the entire content isn't exactly my best. So much for having the time to try harder on these things...
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Mon Mar 28, 2011 2:11 pm

Sorry, busy again. I'm putting up the week 13 prompt now, I'll sweep through and do more reviews when I find the time.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Ketsu » Mon Jun 06, 2011 1:48 pm

*Wishes he could comment on Tsu's story*
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