52 Week Project Discussion Thread

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52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Sun Jan 02, 2011 3:23 pm

Discuss the stories to the 52 Week Project here.

Rules

1. I don't want to spam the lounge, so we'll just use one thread. If you are the first person to ask for feedback here for that week, please mark the week number at the top. Ex:

Week 1

2. Feedback is only requested, not handed out by demand. If a participant doesn't ask for feedback either in their posted story or in this thread, then leave them alone. I don't want this to turn into a troll-fest.

3. You can specify your type of feedback: whether you want a general "yes I liked it no I didn't" or if you want specific prose and style commentary. You may not get specific feedback, since that takes a lot of energy, but you can always ask.

4. Feedback is open to everyone! Unless the participant says they only want other 52WP members to reply, anyone reading these can add their commentary so long as the previous 3 rules are applied.

What happens if I break the rules?

I have Admin powers.
Let's just leave it at that.

--

Go!
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Mr.Malo » Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:36 pm

Feel free to leave Feedback on my week one entry!

I'm interested in hearing what you guys think!
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:51 pm

I liked it. Poetic, and the end of the message was much better than I thought it was going be, so that was a nice twist. And you avoided getting /too/ literary and imagey, so nice work.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Clover » Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:03 am

Poor 'Amanda', she's going to crash and burn. Nice work as always, Tsu.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Reál Midas » Tue Jan 04, 2011 8:37 pm

I'd take some feedback if anyone wants to give it. feel free. I won't kill you.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Mr.Malo » Wed Jan 05, 2011 10:57 pm

Tsu: I like the usage of foreshadowing. It was natural enough that it came as a pleasant surprise when the actual event it fortold came true.
It made me want to know how the future turned out for the young lady.

Sebby: It had a very honest feel to it, and it was wrapped up with a clear message.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Thu Jan 06, 2011 2:31 am

Seb: I actually disagree with Malo's thought on the "clear ending." I thought that was too...on the nose.

In fact, I think it's an interesting juxtaposition that yours was after Takeshi's, as you could learn quite a bit from his. There's a bunch of stuff I could nitpick about yours, but I'll stick to one aspect. The idea, flow of the story, content, and message bits were all solid. The execution is a bit "young."

What I mean by that is that you spend a lot of time "telling" me stuff rather than "showing" me.

I can demonstrate the difference relatively simply using sentences from yours and Takeshi's work. My favorite from Takeshi's is

For a moment she reveled in his gaze, his bearded chin, those stupid dimples. She hated dimples.

This is a great two sentences. It tells us so much about the two characters with so few words. Or at least, we can assume some stuff, and start painting pictures in our heads. The guy has dimples, which are usually "cute." That means that others have probably complimented him for those dimples in the past. But our protagonist, this girl Tashi, does not like them, and calls them stupid. And yet, she drew special attention to them, as if she couldn't help but notice this detail about this man because there's some measure of deep affection there, even though it's probably reluctant. It's great characterization!

Yours however, tends to just list stuff. There are a few attempts at imagery; some work pretty well and just need a little editing (the bit about the hair being as stubbly as his teenaged facial hair), but overall the information was too direct.

Of course like any other teenager, he failed to condescend to the condescending.

That, for example. It's not a bad attempt at being clever, but it's too on the nose. You're /telling/ us what he failed to do, or in this case, is about to fail to do. Sentences like that should just be deleted and left up to the reader to draw out of the writing itself. We should see his intent to be mature in thought, then watch his spectacular failure in action, and then let us go "what the hell he sucked at being mature.'

Which is the emotional response you want!

There's also some inconsistencies with your tenses, especially right at the beginning, so watch for that.

So yeah, try to work on telling us the information less and letting the reader fill it in more with what you've shown them. The reader is smart! Trust in them!

Keep it up Seb, you'll get it. I hope you'll keep coming along.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Reál Midas » Thu Jan 06, 2011 5:52 am

Oh okay cool. Lol that should help alot.

couldn't think up any good ideas for hair :/
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Ketsu » Thu Jan 06, 2011 10:29 pm

Open for feedback!

I seriously have to thank you, Tsu. Without that write-or-die thing I wouldn't have pulled it off. ^^;
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:15 pm

Lol, well it's a good motivator.

All right, well, here goes.

A: Did you steal the dimple descriptor from Takeshi's...?

B: Selling hair expensive enough to buy a gun would require that the hair would be /exquisite/. Meaning it would have to be carefully maintained, shampooed, conditioned, etc. and even then I'm not sure you could sell it for the required amount. Point being, these are supposed to be tough gang members. Do you think they would encourage them to...grow nice hair? Even to buy a gun? There are much manlier, deadlier, and tougher ways to get money than shampoo nicely, brush out at night, and wait for the days to go by.

C: The sudden attraction to each other at the end was a bit out of left field. Seemed like it should've been brought up earlier rather than tacked on at the end.

D: That said, it's not a bad concept; selling hair. With a bit of modification, this concept would be really cool.

I think that most of these errors are a /result/ of the Write or Die. Write or Die gets you moving, but not necessarily in logical ways. Might be worth taking a single edit/revision pass when you use that in the future.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Kaiowa » Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:01 am

I would so submit poems for this thing if it wasn't for that 500 word limit
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Tsuneo » Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:10 am

Meh, go for it. The 500 word thing is for prose. I don't want people to post two sentences, but poetry's another thing altogether.
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Kaiowa » Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:22 am

oh, well then, count me in on this
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Ketsu » Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:55 am

Tsuneo wrote:A: Did you steal the dimple descriptor from Takeshi's...?
Unfortunately, yes. xD I won't hide that, not that I could if I tried.

Tsuneo wrote:B: Selling hair expensive enough to buy a gun would require that the hair would be /exquisite/. Meaning it would have to be carefully maintained, shampooed, conditioned, etc. and even then I'm not sure you could sell it for the required amount. Point being, these are supposed to be tough gang members. Do you think they would encourage them to...grow nice hair? Even to buy a gun? There are much manlier, deadlier, and tougher ways to get money than shampoo nicely, brush out at night, and wait for the days to go by.
Well my thoughts behind it were sort of as though he didn't really fit in with the gang, but you have a point. xD He could've robbed a store or something, but it was against his... personality, I guess. Didn't go into much detail in my head.

Tsuneo wrote:C: The sudden attraction to each other at the end was a bit out of left field. Seemed like it should've been brought up earlier rather than tacked on at the end.
Yeahhh - Didn't know how to bring that up from the beginning. I mean, Jason made it pronounced that he wasn't the same as everyone else in sexual orientation, but James hid it well. I was trying to figure out how to show that he was the same, but that bit at the end was all I could come up with xD I remember awhile back, you saying something like asking your characters "How can I force you to do this?" - James didn't respond, so I improvised. xD

Tsuneo wrote:D: That said, it's not a bad concept; selling hair. With a bit of modification, this concept would be really cool.
Yeah. Maybe I'll work off of it. xD Depending on next week's Prompt, I may or may not stick with Jason and James. I probably won't, but you never know eh?

Thanks again for the Write-or-Die thing though. xD
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Re: 52 Week Project Discussion Thread

PostPosted by Clover » Fri Jan 07, 2011 4:03 pm

Unfortunately, my idea for this week spiralled out of control and has become an epic plot for Mori's chuunin exam. I'll link it here if this is still around by that point~
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